THE CAR FOR THE COMMON MAN

Cars are pretty fancy now-a-days. Sensors, computers, climate zones, headlight wipers, and probably some sort of laser device – I don't know – my name isn't Geoffrey (JoF-rEE). I'm a working Joe and I'm looking out for the common folk. Lunchpail Johnny can't afford a car with some random number/letter combination in its name.

I've had a few busted up cars and had a few buddies with some run down cars. Here I've assembled a master list of automobile excellence.

SUDDEN BRAKE STOP ALERT

The car comes equipped with the interior trim between the windshield and door removed. Whenever the car stops suddenly water spills onto the driver's left side. For minutes afterward water will ^dri_p annoyingly on the left hand of the driver. It's akin to a kind of torture that reminds the driver they were either speeding, not paying enough attention, or, most likely, the person ahead of them is a jackass.

CEILING HEIGHT WARNING

It's an upholstered ceiling that has come unglued - making an upside down tent in your car and creating a handy warning so occupants don't bump their head on the hard ceiling. It rests oh-so comfortably on any passenger's head. The taller the occupant the more contact the device (fabric) creates with their head, thus increasing awareness about the height of the ceiling. The manufacturer recommends not pinning or trying to glue this device to the ceiling as this will void the warranty (and will only last for a few days before falling down anyway).

NAVIGATION SYSTEM

A folded map of the United States from Bob Evans. As a bonus the map lists some of the Bob Evans locations in major cities. For accuracy purposes and to add to the map's overall usefulness, it is mandatory that the map be at least three years old AND be kept with napkins and four broken tire pressure gauges (working tire gauges strictly prohibited) in the glove box.

STEEP INCLINE WARNING (SIW)

Alerts the driver if the car is trying to climb too steep a grade (such as a small hill or particularly large speed bump) by pouring smoke from the hood – much like a smokescreen. After multiple attempts within a given time frame (let's say, three small hills within an hour or five smalls hills and one final speed bump within three weeks) the SIW will cut all power to the drive train and set the transmission on fire.

Normal driving can be resumed when the license plates are removed, the car rolled down a wooded hill, and another car purchased.

SPEEDOMETER OPTIONS

Two options available here: Race Car and I Don't Want to be Bothered.

The Race Car speedometer reads 5-10 mph faster than the actual speed of the car, allowing the driver to feel like they're speeding without actually breaking the law. The I Don't Want to be Bothered option reads at a constant speed of 0 mph for the entire journey. This allows the driver to focus on other gauges and dials that may fluctuate during the trip.

CAR SCIENCE KIT

Get to know nature by hosting an ant colony in your car! This requires the car to be driven little and always parked in the same location. The driver can conduct experiments to determine which types of foods ants like best. Is it the crushed Fritos on the floor or the remains of the Frosty in the cup on the back seat? Only rigorous scientific investigation will tell.

DRIVER AWARENESS SENSOR

The sensor is a hubcap with a locking center nut which allows the hubcap to be fixed in the middle, but not on the outside, giving passersby the illusion that, while driving, the wheel is falling off the car. The driver can then judge how many people are observing the condition of his/her vehicle, based on the number of fellow drivers pulling up beside the car honking and waving their arms frantically.

This can be important if the car is experiencing actual emergency situations, such as emitting unusual amounts of smoke or fluids. The driver can then change his/her route to pass the most amount of good samaritans. And don't worry, no amount of tightening or corrective measure will disable the device - the hubcap will wobble for the lifetime of the car.

RADIATOR FLUID SENSOR

If the car becomes overheated after a few minutes of driving the temperature gauge will spike and quickly return to its lowest level. This indicates to the driver that they haven't checked the level or condition of the radiator fluid for months (maybe even a year). It also likely indicates that the fluid remaining in the system is a thick black mess that is doing nothing to prevent the car from catching on fire in a few days.