STOP TALKING TO ME

shh

Subjects you I don't want to talk to YOU about:

The price of gas.

It's expensive. I get it.

Anything involving the bathroom or sex.

Please don't tell me about who's hot, who you want to sleep with, or, (and I shudder at the thought of this on so many levels), the sexual habits of your children.

I can not describe to you how little I want to know about your bathroom habits. I don't want to hear about what your dinner did to you later on. I want to hear no jokes about beans or Mexican food and how they relate to your digestive system.

Feel that burning desire to share? Go find Uncle Rico, get that time machine working, travel back to high school, and bug some idiot there about it.

Your dog

Dogs are not people. They're dogs.

How bad your weekend trip or vacation was.

What's that? It was only 68 degrees in Jamaica? Well let me tell you that you've come to the right person for sympathy. Let me hear more about the poor service at the beach side restaurant or how they ran out of crab legs at the midnight buffet. Ugh

Your top ten list of CDs. You're all time favorite list of music. Trendy/hip/indie bands you like, or just pretend to like.

I don't care. In fact I find it annoying. And this goes for all those damn magazine or tv show lists of the best albums or artists or bands. Shut up. I'll listen to my music, you listen to yours. Quietly.

It's not the heat it's the humidity.

It's like some tired joke that people keep repeating. Stop it, I can't take it anymore.

Advice on money.

Unless you're super ass rich and work on wall street or have a solid gold phone don't talk to me about money investment. I don't want your advice.

Advice on love or relationships.

I don't care what you think holds a marriage together. I don't want your thoughts on how to keep the spark alive. No, Mr. Single Guy, I don't want to hear your thoughts on what women really want. Write a book and quit talking to me.

Your political views.

Even if I agree with you I don't want to hear it. I don't care about your plan to end poverty in twenty years. I don't care about your voting habits or what you think about the president/governor/mayor. I don't care and I don't want to hear it. Go run for office somewhere if you've got it all figured out. Or just run away from me.

Your religious views.

Don't religion me, I won't religion you.

About your diets.

Only eat half your dinner? Only steak? Only low fat foods? 1200 calories? Ten super small meals a day? What? What's that?

I DON'T CARE!

No one cares about your diet. No one no one no one. I can't stress this enough. Here's a tip to lose weight: exercise and eat a balanced diet. Not working? exercise more. Still not working? See a doctor. And tell them about your fifteen diets.

Fucking Mechanics

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